it's all going disturbingly right
by serendu
Summary: hey hey hey! it's the sequel to 'it's all gone horribly wrong' you know you want it! Chapter 21 up! No Seriously. It is! Yay! Go me! Idiot... R&R please!
1. I Get Along

Ooooh. It's the promised sequel. Thrilled? You should be. Don't know where this is going yet. Have to wait and see. Usual disclaimer – I own me and my very twisted ideas. That's it. I know, I know. I should get out more. Don't sue. I really don't have any money. Honest. About £2.94 to last me until next week. 

I Get Along.

It had been a while. A long while. Longer than I would have liked it to be. Of course I had tried to get back. Pretty much as soon as I had left. Unfortunately by some quirk of fate it seemed like my computer or whatever deity had decided it would be good for a laugh for me to end up in Middle Earth had now decided that it didn't want to play anymore. Hence I was stuck. Stuck in my boring dead end life with no money no career and no prospects. Joy. 

I sat in front of my computer. There was still the same screen up on my computer. Still the same cd playing away. Only this time it was playing a different song.

"Feeling like I'm stuck in a hole

body and soul

while you're out of control

Now I know why you had to go

well I think we both know

why it had to be so

I've been trying not to cry

when I'm in the public eye

Stuck here with the shame

and taking

my share of the blame

while making

sudden plans that don't include you

I get along, get along

without you very well

I get along very well

So I lost my patience at last

and it happened so fast

you belong in the past

I've been trying not to cry

when I'm in the public eye

Stuck here with the shame

and taking

my share of the blame 

while making

sudden plans that don't include you

I get along, get along

without you very well

I get along very well"

I sighed. A long drawn out 'What the hell was I thinking when I did it?' kind of sigh. Something I was getting very good at lately. All my thoughts were focussed on Vebby. Was he ok? What was he doing? Where was he? Was he thinking of me? 

"This is getting me nowhere." I said aloud. I sighed again. "Perhaps it's just not meant to be. Maybe I don't get to go back to the perfect man. Ok, ok, perfect elf. Whatever." I glared at the blank screen and pondered my fate. 

"I wonder if it's cos I know what Middle Earth is really like?" I asked the screen. "Or maybe its cos I'm not going after a canon character?" I smirked as I thought of Legolas. "Wonder how she is with Gimli? Hmm." I got up and wandered downstairs leaving the computer for the first time in days. Little did I know what I let myself in for.

Idiot.

**********************

ooooh! First chapter! *grins* have no idea what's gonna happen in this story. But then I started out the last one with just one concept of turning Legolas into a woman! And look where that got me. 50 chapters later… So R&R peeps! And hold on – it's probably gonna be a long ride!


	2. It's Only Natural

Hmm. Chapter 2. Yes I know this is taking its time. What can I say? I've lost the old motivation… Still not mine.

It's Only Natural.

I had wandered into my kitchen. With two things on my mind. Yep, you've guessed it. Chocolate and vodka. "Life always seems better after chocolate and vodka. Mmmm." I moaned stuffing my face full of chocolate and washing it down with the vodka. Ok now the kitchen walls seemed to be a little blurry, but my unhappiness was forgotten. At least, for a little while.

I heard voices coming from the other room. Wandering in and settling myself down on the comfy chair I smiled contentedly at my beloved family. I was in a great mood and nothing was going to change that. Until of course the one subject that could upset me came up. Thanks to my brother's mother-in-law.

"So what about you then?"

"What about me?" I asked smiling in her general direction.

"Well, we were just talking about how you haven't settled down yet. Are you courting at all?"

I grinned back at her, the alcohol dulling my senses.

"Oh nevermind dearie, I'm sure you'll find a nice man sooner or later, after all there is someone for everyone out there, even someone like you."

"Huh?!" I asked, her words beginning to sink into my befuddled brain.

"Don't you worry yourself about it, I'm sure someone will pop up."

"Pop up?" I queried getting more and more confused.

"You know a nice young man. For you. To settle down with." She explained smilingly.

"A nice young man?" I repeated. "To settle down with?" Then her words made sense. "I don't want a nice young man!" I cried.

"You don't want a 'nice young man'?" She repeated puzzled. "Oh dear." She said as an idea dawned upon her. "Now dear, everyone has those phases, but you'll grow out of it…" She trailed off.

"Wha? 'Phases'?" I queried looking bewildered. Then I saw the look of horror on her face and realised what she was thinking. As tempting as it was to play up to her homophobia I decided that it was far too much like hard work and could come back to haunt me later. Or indeed knowing her probably forever. "I AM NOT GOING THROUGH ANY SORT OF 'PHASES'." I answered clearly and haughtily looking down my nose at her.

"Oh thank goodness for that. I knew you weren't really like that, but you know there are rumours…" She didn't manage to finish her sentence.

"Rumours?" I commented icily. "How awful to listen to such gossip." I said, polite interest in my tone. "I'm sure you told them straight not to pass on such tales."

"Err. Well of course." She said hurriedly. "And I'm sure there's bound to be someone who would like someone like you…" Trying to change the subject back before she dug herself any deeper into the hole she had fallen into. Then she trailed off seeing the outraged look on my face.

"I don't want a 'nice young man'." I hissed, forgetting that this was my sister-in-law's mother and that I should always be nice and polite towards her and that I had been winning this conversation just moments before. I stopped for a second remembering all that had happened to me and my anger turned to tears. "I WANT MY VEBBY!"

***

After the little faux pas in the lounge I retreated upstairs to my bedroom with only my vodka and chocolate for company. Understandable considering I had just managed to annoy and insult a fair proportion of my family. 

"Bollocks." I muttered as I took another swig of my bottle. 

And then there was a knock on the door. "Come in." I slurred.

I watched as two identical heads appeared around the door. I blinked and the heads merged into one. "Hey there Sarah." I muttered, seeing the now singular face of my sister-in-law's sister appear around the door.

"Hi." She answered, gazing at my tear stricken face. "Are you ok?"

"No I am bloody well not okay!" I declared as she came into the room and shut the door. "I've just had your mother go on about how I don't have a man, when in reality I do have a man – well elf, and I've gone and screwed it all up. God I'm such a fool sometimes."

"Err. Elf?" Sarah asked looking at me with a slightly disturbed expression on her face.

I gazed blearily up at her. "You'd better sit down. This may take a while." Sarah sat down on the floor and took a swig of my vodka. "Right then, well you know I really like fan fiction yeah? Well I kinda started this story…"

And so in my drunken state I told Sarah of my adventures in Middle Earth.

Idiot.

*************************************

Apology to my brother's mother-in-law. She ain't that bad. Honest. Yep this is short. R&R please!


	3. Keep On Movin

Hey! Another chapter! Woohoo! Go me! Still not mine…

Keep On Movin.

I groaned. My head was pounding, body aching and my clothes were all damp. 

"Hang on a minute…." I mumbled into my carpet. "Damp?" I opened my eyes. And realised something. I was lying face down – but not on my carpet. At least – not unless my carpet had suddenly become a carpet of grass.

"What the? Grass? How'd I end up outside?" I groaned and forced myself into a sitting position, noting two things. I still had chocolate in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. And I was outside. I groaned, winced and wondered how the hell I had managed to get out into the garden considering the state I was in. Then my vision cleared slightly and I realised something else. I was not in my garden. Not unless my garden had lost one major feature, i.e. the house I lived in at one end of it.

"Ok ok, focus, stay calm. I've just wandered somewhere from my house. And ok I know I've never done that before in my life – but hey – there's a first time for everything. And ok, I'm lost – but the sooner I get moving the sooner I find out where on earth I am. Ok then, legs! Get moving!"

***

"Ah such enthusiasm." I muttered half an hour into my walk away from where I had woken up. "Now I'm still lost, still got a killer hangover and I'm still in a bad mood. How the hell did I manage this? God I get myself into some states I tell ya." I commented aloud. "Not content with upsetting all the relatives yesterday I manage to wake up in the middle of nowhere. Last thing I remember was telling Sarah that I was in… Awww shit!" I exclaimed. "I went and told Sarah I was in love with an elf. Well done." I muttered sarcastically. "Now having alienated a good proportion of my relatives I'm gonna wake up from this really weird dream and find myself in a straitjacket. Brilliant. Superb. Sometimes I amaze even myself."

"Amaze hmmm?" A voice said behind me.

I turned slowly, a sense of dread building inside of me. Something deep within me was telling me that turning around was really not a good idea. Not if I wanted to keep my sanity. I turned anyway.

"Oh. My. God."

Idiot.

*************************

R&R you know you want to!


	4. Elevation

Next chapter. I'm on a roll. With a salad! Go me! Still ain't mine.

Elevation.

"Nonononononononononononononononooooooooooooo!"

"Hmmm hasty you are I see."

"Fuck me! Fucking hell. You! You're a fucking Ent!" I cried pointing at the creature that was towering above me. "NOOOOO! This cannot be happening to me. Okay? Not again. If I'm back in Middle Earth I wanna be back at the Palace, with all the creature comforts – none of this trudging across anywhere nonsense. I've done it before – I'm NOT doing it again. YOU HEAR ME?!" I shouted up at the sky. 

"Very hasty you humans are."

I rounded on him. "Hasty? HASTY?! Look Mr TREE I happen to be here under VERY stressful circumstances; I have a hangover and quite possibly PMS. DO. NOT. GET. IN. MY. WAY." I punctuated every word with a jab of my finger at him. He visibly wilted.

***

After some time I discovered that I was near the border of the forest of Fangorn and I was talking to Treebeard. As you do. Part of me wondered whether this was just some sort of really weird hallucination brought on by too much alcohol and too many daydreams of my elf. The other part decided not to question my good luck and just thank my lucky stars that I was finally back in Middle Earth, even if it wasn't quite where I wanted to be.

"Look Treebeard," I said interrupting his rather boring story about entwives and possible places they could have ended up, "That's really nice and all but I really need to get going towards Mirkwood. Can you err point me in the right direction?"

"Mirkwood? Mirkwood. Hmm." He pondered. "It's not Mirkwood anymore you know." He commented.

I sighed exasperatedly. "Trust me to bump into the one creature in this world whose idea of directions is to stand there and ponder whilst I wither and die." I mumbled beneath my breath. I would have said it aloud but I figured it probably was not a good idea to get on the wrong side of something that was much, much bigger than me. 

"its called _Eryn Lasgalen _ now." Treebeard continued oblivious to my impatience. "And it's that way." He pointed off into the distance.

"Cheers mate." I said before turning abruptly away and marching off towards what I still called Mirkwood. "Just cos it's got some fancy name don't make it any different." I muttered aloud. "Probably still full of orcs and spiders and valar knows what else. Hmm. Better pick up some sort of weapon before I go into the wood itself. Ah well, plenty of time to get one of those." I commented and made my way towards my destiny with a large smile on my face. After all I'd done this before so I knew what to expect. Nothing could go that wrong this time. Right?

Idiot.

****************

*snorts* and we're off! Finally! Hooray! R&R please! 


	5. Sun Is Shining

Luuuuuurve all the reviews. Makes me forget just how scummy all the people who kept me from writing this earlier are. *grins* will undoubtedly name some of the evil creatures after them at some point – my rather pathetic way of revenge. Hmm. *thinks* may have to make more evil characters than I originally intended! Still not mine! On with the story!

Sun Is Shining.

So I set out. After a little while my hangover cleared and I was enjoying walking. I mean after all what could go wrong? I was in back in Middle Earth, the sun was shining and everything was alright in the world.

"Wait a minute…" I said aloud after thinking the last thought. "Everything is alright? The sun is shining?" I paused. A sense of dread overcoming me. "No. No. No. No." I stopped took a deep breath and spoke up to the sky. "You are not, I repeat NOT lulling me into a false sense of security here ok? I don't believe everything will go well – it didn't last time, why should it this time? So whatever it is you're planning to do just get on with it alright? Rain, snow, sleet, hail, whatever." I paused and then said through gritted teeth. "JUST. GET. ON. WITH. IT."

The sun stayed shining. Now I was very worried.

***

"Look," I said half an hour later. "its not that I'm complaining or anything, I mean this is a nice change and all, but I'm kinda well, how can I put this?" I struggled to try and think of a word that would not offend any deities that were actually bored enough with the eternal, omnipotent existence to listen to me, "Well, umm. There's no nice way of me saying this." I paused and took a breath to calm my nerves. "I'm suspicious." I confessed. "Everything went wrong last time I was here and now everything hasn't been too bad yet I'm wondering whether you lot are storing it up for me. Y'know spring it as a nasty surprise when I let my guard down." 

There was no answer from anything.

"Well." I said. "That's fine. Good. At least I know where I stand." I stopped and glared up at the sky pointing up to it. "But don't think I'm letting my guard down for one second. I KNOW something WILL go wrong. And the moment I think nothing is going to happen SOMETHING will. You can't play me like you did before so don't even try." I smirked contentedly to myself. "That told them!"

*** 

The day continued. I slept peacefully that night. And the night after, and indeed the night after that. Incredibly nothing bad had happened to me. But I was still very suspicious. After all that had happened to me the first time I trusted no one. Especially not some whimsical entity who enjoyed messing me around for a laugh. So when after only 3 days of travelling towards Mirkwood I stopped and spoke aloud.

"Considering just how far away from ANYTHING Fangorn is, I think I made extremely good time don't you?" I queried looking up at the sky. "Very quick walking across Middle Earth. 3 days from Fangorn to Mirkwood. Very good time indeed." I paused and then glared up at the sky. "You don't think that it was perhaps a little too good hmm?" I sighed when I received no reply and continued trudging towards Mirkwood. 

As I got closer to the edge of the forest I did not feel relief. No, I just figured that whatever was waiting for me was laying in wait for me in there. 

I didn't know just how right I was.

Idiot.

********************** 

well the title does say 'disturbingly right' does it not? *grins and cackles evilly* R&R to keep me happy and motivated please!


	6. Help!

Apologies for no post yesterday. Had evil people interfering with my plans again. Highly inconsiderate of them. Grr. I probably won't be posting over this weekend either – so be warned! Much love going out to all my luverrly reviewers. I love you all too! Still ain't mine…

Help!

First off, I thought grimly to myself, I need a weapon. Then I attempt to get to the Palace. If I don't get there then I'll pretend I don't want to get there and I'll 'accidentally' end up conveniently right outside the entrance. Then I go in find Vebby and well… I smirked. Perhaps something involving a towel? Taking a swig of my vodka I set out towards the forest of Mirkwood.

***

"Hmmm." I said gazing down at what lay by my feet, just before the edge of the forest. "How convenient!" I said aloud sarcastically. "Just what I always wanted." I glared at the shining object that lay on the grass. "A sword! Just the right size for me!" I continued sarcasm lacing every word. "Well I wonder who could have possibly left that lying there? How very careless of them. Tut tut." I gave an evil glare up at the sky before picking up my new-found sword and heading into the forest.

I stopped after the first tree and muttered "But don't think I know what you lot are up to. I will not be lulled into believing everything is going to go right. So there."

Yet again I was greeted by silence. I sighed and continued on my journey.

***

Four minutes into Mirkwood and I was sweating profusely. Why? Simple, I was nervous. Big time nervous. Last time I was here I was almost eaten by spiders, chased by orcs and beaten up by, yes you all remember, hobbits. Not one of my proudest moments I admit. So why exactly was I nervous this time? The forest was peaceful and quiet except for the occasional sound of distant birdsong.

Now I was never one to underestimate the skills that the elves had and was under the impression that they patrolled the borders. Yet I had not seen hide nor hair of them. Or indeed anything else. My senses on high alert I attempted to move silently towards where I thought the Palace was situated.

After ten minutes the stress was getting to me. Even the bird song was making me jump. 

"I don't think I can take much more of this." I muttered, "Perhaps I'm just being silly. NO!" I hissed almost silently to myself, " I will not believe that everything is well in the state of Mirkwood. I will not let my guard slip. I will not …AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!"

I jumped as a hand slapped itself down onto my shoulder. Whilst I was muttering about not letting my guard down it seemed someone had taken advantage of my distraction and crept up behind me.

I gulped and opened one eye to look at the hand on my shoulder. A particularly unpleasant looking hand. Smelly too. I gulped again. What have I managed this time? I asked myself despairingly.

***

"Oops!" Said a voice. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." 

I slowly turned to see a rather large and very scary looking orc behind me.

"Stay away from me!" I ordered with more confidence than I felt. I waved my sword in what I considered to be a threatening manner.

"Now, now dearie." Said the orc soothingly. "You want to be careful with that – you could have someone's eye out."

"Eye out?" I croaked bewildered. Exactly what version of Middle Earth had I ended up in this time? I wondered. I mentally shook myself and raised my sword as a warning and speaking dramatically for effect. "Get thee gone thou foul and unclean beast. Leave before I cleave your body into err lots of little bits." I finished hurriedly.

"Foul and unclean! I have never been so insulted in my…" The orc trailed off. "Words fail me! I was sent here to help you, dressed in my best – Yes my very best outfit and you insult me. I shall have nothing more to do with you." He declared, before turning away and sniffing into his pristine white handkerchief.

From where the handkerchief came from I wasn't entirely sure, but I now had an offended orc who looked like he was going to… My mind took in the look on the orc's face. Surely he wasn't going to… My mind never got the chance to finish that train of thought as the orc in front of me began to sob.

"My very first assignment and I get called all nasty things by you! How could you say I was unclean? I do try I mean its not always easy being what I am, but I've changed. Why is it so hard for you to see." He turned his tear stained face to me. "Its just you being bigoted!" He declared suddenly. "You're so narrow minded that you can't accept beings that aren't up to…"

"Now, now, there, there." I said hurriedly patting his shoulder in a conciliatory manner. "I didn't mean to upset you, I'm just a little tense you know." I said jovially trying to get him to stop crying, "Forests and stuff, bit scary! Not too sure what you're going to run into. Have to be careful…" I trailed off seeing as what I was saying wasn't helping in the slightest. "Anyway," I said casting my mind around for a change of subject. "You said you were supposed to help me?"

"Don't know why I should." Came the muffled response.

"Please?" I asked tentatively.

"Don't wanna."

"Pleeeeeaaaaase." I whined.

"Oh alright then. But just so you know, I'm doing this because I have to, not because I want to." Came the answer. "And so I don't have to hear you whine."

"Ok. That's fair enough." I commented.

"We need to go this way."

"After you." I said politely.

And so we set off deeper into Mirkwood. And I can say in all honesty that I never thought I would be whining to an orc to help me when I set out. But then again there was a lot I hadn't thought I would end up doing on this little adventure.

Idiot.

***********************

Well, bit longer. Does that make up for yesterday? R&R please!


	7. Walk On

My birthday was good! But I'm getting old now *sob* still not mine and on with the story!

Walk On.

So we walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. I had offended the orc's sensibilities too much for idle chit chat and was limited to such conversational gems as...

"How far is it to the Palace?" Then, "It is the Palace we're going to right?" and the immortal, "Are we there yet?" Which I will admit was desperate but I was bored. Finally after several hours of walking through what seemed like a much bigger forest than I remembered I decided that I needed to ask one question that had somehow slipped my mind.

"Errm, excuse me Mr Orc, but umm, just what is your name?"

He sniffed as he turned to face me. He sighed as though I was the biggest pain in the neck he had ever come across. Finally after what seemed like an indeterminable amount of time he answered. "Owen."

"Owen?!"

***

I sighed. My question had been answered five minutes ago and I still hadn't said anything. Finally I took the plunge.

"Owen."

"Yes?" He asked, his lack of patience with me obvious in his tone.

"Your name is Owen."

"Yes." 

"Hmm. Owen the Orc."

"Well really!" He fumed, "Must you always be so species-ist?!"

***

Well, as you can guess that killed the conversation right there and then, so we continued in silence.

I frowned. The last thing I wanted was to alienate a creature that was helping me. Even if he was an orc. Okay, I know I'd had some bad run ins with orcs before but perhaps it was time to let bygones be bygones. I mean he seemed sincere. I guessed it was time to try some more of the old fangirl charm. Well, it wasn't as if I could offend him much more now was it?

"So err, Owen." I started. 

He froze for a moment and then a resigned, "Yes?" came from his lips.

"Ummm, I was just wondering…"

"No, we are not there yet." He answered.

"Err, no!" I laughed awkwardly at his words, "I wasn't going to ask that…"

"No?" He questioned coolly.

"Well, no actually, I wanted to know err…" I trailed off, then inspiration struck. "Where are you from, originally I mean, y'know what part of Middle Earth do you hail from?" I asked pleased with my swift recovery.

"Well," He drawled in answer, "I was originally from Mordor, but I had to leave…" 

"Really?" I asked eagerly, glad to finally get the conversation going, "Why's that then?" I tried to sound concerned.

"Well the place was getting overrun by people, more specifically by people you refer to as 'Sues'."

"Oh. Ahh."

***

Oh marvellous I thought to myself. I had inadvertently got him kicked out of his home by the 'Sues' of all people, I insult him albeit without meaning to and he's here to help me. I sighed. What else can I manage to screw up with him… No don't go there I reprimanded myself, thinking like that always makes things go wrong. 

I began to think deeply. I needed the orc on my side. I frowned. Then it occurred to me. What does every creature love? Flattery! Now I just needed something to use. I narrowed my eyes and viewed the orc ahead of me. I frowned. Since when does that happen here? I inwardly screamed.

"Owen?"

"Yes?"

"Tell me Owen…" I paused," Where exactly did you get a Gucci suit that fitted an orc in Middle Earth?"

He preened. "Well, the armour look was just soooo last season."

I gloated. He was more vain than I was, a bit more of laying it on thick and he'd do anything. I smirked and began my next sentence, "So, Owen…"

He interrupted me. "We're here."

I looked up surprised by my lack of noticing the huge Palace of Mirkwood that lay in front of me. I grinned to myself. 

"Screw Owen the over-emotional orc, this is where I wanna be!" I declared under my breath.

Idiot.

********************

oh oh oh! We're at the palace! Go us! R&R please!


	8. Into Temptation

And hey! We're back! Go us! Sorry for leaving you all like that but my computer decided to die, I started a new job and all my friends seemed to split with their partners at the same time. Not good. Especially the job - which sucks. Uck. Roll on Christmas – cos everything between now and then in my life sucks. And nope, Middle Earth still ain't mine. Darn.

Into Temptation.

"Yay!" I muttered. "Go me! Now where the heck would Vebby be I wonder?" I pondered as I made my way towards the Palace entrance.

"We need to go this way to the throne room." Owen informed me.

"Fair enough." I said. "Lead the way Owen me old mate!"

Owen stopped walking and gazed at me for a moment before shaking his head. He started towards the entrance gesturing for me to follow.

***

The Palace hadn't changed that much from what I could remember. There was the corridor where I first came across Thingaladion, that corridor led off towards the dungeons and the behind that door on the right was the way to the kitchens. Oh and the door in front of me? That would be the entrance to the throne room. 

I grinned, rubbed my hands together gleefully. This was what I had been waiting for; this was what I returned for this was it!

"Well, Owen my old friend, it seems here we are to part. Thanks for everything and err, see you around sometime." I patted him on the shoulder and opened the door.

***

"Mrrph grreeooff me mmmrrgg!" 

"Welcome back fangirl!"

"MMMRRPPGHH!"

"We are pleased to welcome you to our humble home."

"GERRRRROOOOFFF!"

"Please make yourself at home whilst we plan the festivities. We were aware of your return but we were unsure how long you would take to arrive." King Thranduil finally released me from the hug he had enveloped me into as soon as I had walked in through the doors and I collapsed in a heap onto the ground, trying to recover from near suffocation.

"Nice…. To…. Be….. Back." I managed, deciding that the floor was a safer option than to risk trying to stand.

"We have made arrangements for your accommodation." He snapped his fingers towards an elf. "Show her to her quarters."

The elf walked over to me and helped me up off the floor. 

"We would be honoured if you would be our guest at this evening's banquet." Thranduil said, as I was about to leave.

"Errm. Yeah sure." I pulled myself together. This was after all my future father-in-law and a king who could say 'off with her head' to boot. I had better manners than that. "It would be an honour your majesty."

"The honour would be mine." The king answered.

I smiled. Not only was I back in the Palace but I was the King's guest at the banquet. Things were going well. Perhaps I was wrong about things. Perhaps I was just being too suspicious. Perhaps the deities who decided I'd have such a dreadful time of it all last time had felt a little guilty and were trying to make it up. Perhaps. 

Idiot.

***********

oh oh oh! We're in the palace. Go me! But will everything go right? R&R please!


	9. In Your Room

Hmm. New chapter. I rule, me. Along with of course Erasure. No, don't ask. It's not remotely funny. And it's not mine – along with LOTR.

In Your Room.

The room I was taken to was sumptuous. No, correction the suite of rooms I was taken to were sumptuous. What can I say? Elves know how to treat a lady, particularly one who will be queen. I smirked. "This," I declared to an empty room, "is the life. It really doesn't get any better than this." 

***

I decided that the first course of action was to check out the rooms. Figure out exactly what did what and where it was. Bed, check. Or rather gigantic bed that could fit an entire army? Check. I smirked. Plenty of room for me and Vebby to… Well I'm not gonna tell you what I planned. A girl has to have some privacy in her life ok? I'm sure you can all think up stuff for us to do in the bed. Suffice to say my plans included him, chocolate and me. And not many other props…

I wandered into the other room. Bath? Check. And yep this one could probably house an entire army for bathing and swimming too. Plenty of ideas of how to use the bath came to my mind. And no, you can't know about them either. Use your imagination!

Having surveyed my new domain a thought came to me. Ok, by now I was beginning to believe that perhaps this time I had really struck it lucky and had got out of my boring little life to end up with one of the most gorgeously handsome creatures ever to walk the face of middle earth. But caution is never a bad thing, so I took the precaution of checking out an alternative escape route. Well, this was middle earth, I reasoned. Land of evil orcs and whatnot. Ok there was Owen, but I was pretty sure he was the exception rather than the rule when it came to orcs and their orciness. 

"Orciness?" I mumbled aloud. "I must be losing it. Now I'm inventing words." I smirked. "Must be lacking Vebby or something. I can't think clearly. The bed is giving me too many ideas." I paused. "Of course the best idea would be to find him so we can…. Hmm… Test the mattress or something." I grinned evilly before turning around and heading out of the room to find him. To test the mattress. For perfectly innocent reasons of course! Get your minds out of the gutter. This story is PG13 ya know!

***

I opened the door and stepped out.

"Milady?" A voice to my right questioned. 

I turned to see what I assumed to be a warrior elf; it took me a moment to realise that he was here to guard me. Brilliant! I thought no more nasty encounters with spiders; this princess will be protected by her own personal bodyguard. Yay! Go me. 

Hmm, how to handle this I wondered. I thought for a moment and then made up my mind. No point in letting the servants think they can get away with anything I decided. Show em who's boss from the beginning. I cleared my throat. "I was wondering where the prince of Mirkwood might be found?" I questioned haughtily.

"This way Milady." The warrior elf said as he gestured down the corridor.

"Take me to him immediately." I commanded. No time for please and thank you my mind declared. We want to get to Vebby.

"Too damn right." I muttered in answer to my brain.

"Milady?" The elf asked looking at me with a puzzled expression.

"Nothing." I stated. "Well, shall we?" I asked impatiently.

"After you."

I grinned. Being royal rules in more way than one, I realised. I chuckled. Nothing could go wrong now, could it? 

Could it?

Idiot.

*******************************

Darn, thought I'd manage to get what Vebby's been up to in my absence in this one. Obviously not. Hmm. Maybe the next. R&R please! 


	10. It's In His Kiss Shoop Shoop Song

Oooh. Yet another chapter. Go me. I rule y'know! Not mine – no news there then… And hey welcome back all my loverly reviewers! I luuuuurrrrve you all too!

It's In His Kiss (Shoop Shoop Song)

My escort and I walked through the Palace. After wandering down several very long and very beautiful corridors adorned with all types of elven art we finally reached a door. I frowned; this was not the door I remembered the last time I was in Vebby's room. But then I realised they'd probably moved him into better apartments to make room for me. 

"Hmm, as long as the décor's tolerable I guess we'll be fine." I mumbled to myself.

"Milady?" 

"Nothing. I wasn't speaking to you." I declared haughtily. "Well? Open the door!" I told him. For a moment I thought he'd rolled his eyes, but then I decided that it was merely a trick of the light. After all he wasn't going to be nasty to his future sovereign now was he? Not unless he didn't have the brains to go with his brawn that is. Oh didn't I mention the fact that he was well muscled? No? Oh bad me. Let's put it this way shall we? If I wasn't so hooked up on Vebby I'd be asking to see his prowess with his arrow. Well, hopefully not quite as corny as that but you get my meaning…

Anyway warrior elf opened the door and I strolled into the Prince of Mirkwood's apartment.

"The Fangirl for the Prince of Mirkwood." The warrior elf declared.

I grinned. Vebby. Finally!

***

The warrior elf remained outside, closing the door behind me. The room was dark; a solitary silhouette standing in the pale light that was filtering through the tightly closed blinds. I took a step and then another and before I know it I was running into the silhouette's outstretched arms for a welcoming kiss.

***

"Argh! Lips of Thingy!" I declared, misquoting a favourite line from Buffy, "Thingy Lips!" I turned and spat out any foulness that my mouth had been polluted with. Then I marched over to the door, flung it open and glared up at the warrior elf who was leaning nonchalantly against the wall outside the room. 

"Was this some kind of sick joke?" I demanded my eyes aflame with anger. "I said to take me to the prince of Mirkwood you prat!" 

"But Milady," The warrior elf responded. "He is the Prince of Mirkwood."

"Now look, don't you play smart with me right elfy boy?" I said poking him in the stomach. "Or you might find I'll have stuck your arrows somewhere you'd prefer them not to be! Understand?" I waited to see if he dared to respond. He didn't. Wise elf. "Now take me to the real Prince of Mirkwood."

"But," Drawled a voice from the door, "I am the Prince of Mirkwood."

I glanced up at the ceiling. Something somewhere was rotten in the forest of Mirkwood. And it wasn't the wood.

***

"So let me get this straight." I said sitting on the floor with a glass of water, of what I had discovered was actually Thingaladion's room and not Veborion's. "The great and high and mighty and all knowing King Thranduil decided that after I left his only true heir and son, that his aforementioned son known by the name Veborion was not good enough to rule after Thranduil, when of course Thranduil goes over the sea. And as his daughter Legolas already has responsibilities with part ruling the dwarves he put you in Veborion's place. Right?"

"Correct." Came the smug answer.

"So you really are the Prince of Mirkwood?"

"Correct."

"So the fact that you tried to assassinate his only true heir and son has no bearing whatsoever?"

"Correct." 

"You really are a smug bastard Thingaladion." I muttered, "Lucky as an extremely lucky individual, but also exceeding smug."

Thingaladion's response was to smirk smugly. 

***

I left Thingy's room slightly downcast and ever so slightly desperate to wash out my mouth asap. "This." I declared to myself "Is something of a setback. Hmm. Not to worry. As soon as this damn feast is over I can set about finding Vebby and getting this mess sorted out. After all, this is only the first setback and its merely a misunderstanding. Shouldn't be too hard to get fixed."

Oh my naivety.

Idiot.

***************************

oooooh. No Vebby just yet! And were you all expecting that? And what's gonna happen next? No idea – I just write the thing! No chapter tomorrow – I've got something on… R&R as usual in your masses please!


	11. Get The Party Started

Heh – another chapter. And I'm writing this one in work too! Bad bad bad bad bad me. What can I say? I have no excuse… And I don't own it either so there…

Get The Party Started.

I went back to my beautiful guest room to get ready for the banquet. Conveniently for me I had been provided with an entire set of beautiful outfits to wear. Just one problem – which one to choose?

Finally I settled on the blue gown. A sweeping-the-floor makes you look incredible no matter what you really look like kinda dress. I always thought I looked good in blue. In this kind of dress I looked fantastic.

After primping and preening for the best part of several hours (well looking good does take a lot of time and effort y'know) I was ready. At least ready as I ever was gonna be. I took one long look at the mirror and then made my way down to the banquet.

***

I sat right next to Thranduil on the table. Being guest of honour was pretty neat; I mused as I gazed down at all the elves that sat on the more 'common' tables. "Up here with royalty," I almost silently murmured. "As it should be!"

"Ladies and Gentlemen..." Thranduil began after standing up and calling the assembled mass to attention. "I would like you to raise your glasses in honour to the fangirl, who saved all of Middle earth from evil hobbits and rabid fangirls."

The elves stood up and intoned solemnly as one, "To the fangirl." They each drank a sip from their glasses.

"And also to announce her betrothal to my heir…"

I smirked. Unlucky Thingy! I thought with glee, now I'm back Thrandy's gonna make it all alright again.

"Prince Thingaladion of Mirkwood!"

I had a hold of my glass of wine in my hand. I gulped it all down rather quickly. Then I reached for the bottle of wine. Which I then downed rather quickly too. This was bad.

***

In fact it was worse than bad, as I soon discovered when I tried to make a discreet exit whilst everyone was off busy celebrating my impending wedding. As I slipped out of the door I felt a firm hand on my shoulder.

"Milady, where are you going?"

Darn. I suddenly realised. He wasn't just a bodyguard; he was to make sure I didn't run off. This was not a good thing. But right now he was waiting for an answer. 

"I just wanted to freshen up and errr stuff." I answered rather desperately trying to find a decent excuse.

"I shall accompany you." He said.

Darn, I thought. "Fine, whatever."

***

I returned to the party after 'freshening up'. Well, truthfully I returned to the party after I had run around my rooms madly trying to find a way out. Unfortunately I was so taken up with my plans for the bed, bath and Vebby that I forgot one major thing. The fact that should I need an escape route I would have to find one from somewhere other than my rooms.

Yep you've guessed it there was no way I'd ever manage to throw myself out of the windows – they were several storeys high. Not good when you want to make a quick exit. Particularly as there wasn't even any conveniently placed high trees with branches even more conveniently next to the window, which personally I considered to be a major oversight on the part of the gardeners/architects/builders/Thranduil or whoever was responsible. 

I sighed as I sat back down at the table. This sucked. I glanced at the partying hordes. I frowned. I glanced at Thranduil and decided that it was time for this fangirl to have a word. Or perhaps several words. Preferably of the very loud, very threatening variety. The 'don't fuck with me you brainless, spineless, fuckwit' kind. Oh yeah, Thrandy was gonna get it good. 

I smirked. Things were looking up.

Idiot.

********************

Two chapters today – I'm out tomorrow so you'll just have to make do with what I put up tonight! R&R as usual please!


	12. Knives Out

2nd chapter for today. Yay! Go me! This chapter is dedicated to all the women I have known for most of my life. Several of them seem to be going through bad patches. I would like them all to know that I'm thinking of them and am praying that things get better for them all. Not that they'll ever read this mind, but what the heck?! It ain't mine. No sue. 

Knives Out.

The party was finally over. Which was a good thing, because if one more elf had come to 'congratulate' me on my impending marriage things would have been thrown. I informed my bodyguard elf that I wished to speak to my future father-in-law and was shown into his private study. 

***

I sat and waited in his chair behind his desk. I picked up a letter knife and waited. And waited and awaited and waited. Finally after what seemed like aeons Thrandy walked into the room.

"Ahhhh, fangirl. Many apologies for keeping you waiting." He said as he closed the door behind him.

"No problem." I answered smoothly, remaining in his seat and rhythmically tapping the letter knife onto the palm of one hand.

"You wished to see me?" He enquired as he sat down opposite me.

The firelight played across my features as I pondered how to answer him; still tapping the knife across my hand. "How can I say this?" I asked aloud. "Let me see, ahh yes my 'betrothal' to the delightful Thingaladion." I drawled.

"My most hearty and sincere congratulations…" Thranduil began.

"I do have one problem with my engagement." I continued interrupting him.

"Y..y..yes?" Thranduil slightly stuttered at my statement.

"I don't actually recall agreeing to marry Thingaladion." I stated, gazing calmly across the desk to Thranduil, still playing with the knife I held.

There was a pause before Thranduil finally answered. "You agreed to marry the Prince of Mirkwood."

"I recall no such agreement." 

"You wear the ring."

"Ring?" I queried. "What ring?"

"You wear," He pointed to my hand "The betrothal ring of my heir." 

"Thranduil dear," I murmured quietly as I gazed down at the ring that Vebby had indeed given me. "It may have escaped your notice but Thingaladion is not Veborion."

"The ring is the betrothal ring of the Prince of Mirkwood. It matters not who the actual prince is. You have agreed to marry the prince, therefore it is the prince you must marry."

I refused to speak. If you looked at me from a distance at that point you might have thought that I was shivering from the cold. I wasn't. I was shaking in anger. 

***

I managed to restrain myself from leaping across the desk and carving out Thranduil's heart with his own letter knife. Just. To say that I was rather annoyed at that point would be an understatement. I was livid.

"Another thing that puzzles me, Thrandy dearest." I said through clenched teeth, gripping the letter knife with both hands in an effort not to accidentally on purpose throw it at his head. "Just how did the darling known as Thingaladion end up being your heir? That never got explained to me."

"Oh, simple enough." Thranduil said waving his hand in a throwaway gesture. "You left him." 

I shook my head as though I wasn't sure of what I was hearing. "Pardon?"

"You more than adequately proved to be an excellent queen after I went over the sea, certainly capable of governing the elves here and Veborion made you leave."

"The fact that Thingaladion tried to assassinate Veborion didn't bother you at all?" I queried, looking at Thranduil as one would a rather interesting if somewhat odd scientific specimen.

"Not at all, it showed me he had ambition and a willingness to sacrifice those that needed to be sacrificed."

"Yeah. Right. Ok." 

"Besides when you left Veborion it showed me what I had to do."

My hands closed even more tightly around the letter knife. Suddenly I got very very afraid. After all I hadn't actually seen Vebby yet. Not even at the party. And this elf before me had given to the man who attempted to kill his son everything that his son had once possessed. Things were looking rather bad indeed_. Just how do you disinherit your only son from his birthright?_ My brain screamed at me. 

"Just. What. Did. You. Realise. You. Had. To. Do?" I questioned pausing between each word, my heart beginning to pound and my brain throwing up all manner of horrible possibilities.

"Oh nothing much." He stated calmly as though talking about a minor inconvenience that he had dealt with. "I merely disinherited, exiled and outlawed him."

"Oh. That's all?" I said for a moment relieved that at least he wasn't dead. Then what he said sunk in. "YOU DID WHAT?!"

***

After being forcibly ejected from his study, I screamed and raved as I was dragged into my suite of rooms. Where much to my utter disbelief there was Thingaladion lying on my bed wearing nothing but a sultry smile, a 'come hither' look and the sheets that lay on top of him.

I said two words. "Get out."

He smirked. I really wasn't in the mood so I marched over to the bed, grabbed Thingy by the ear, twisted it rather painfully if his cry was anything to go by and dragged him to the door and then threw him out of the room. "And stay out." I said.

I heard the key in the lock being turned behind me and Thingy saying to one of my new guards, "… not to worry, the wedding will be soon enough. I'm sure she won't be able to get enough of me then." And then I heard laughter.

I sank down behind the door. Planning. Vebby was gone and I had to find him, but first I had to get away from the Palace of Mirkwood. I knew I was in for a long night. I sighed and got up, walking towards the windows. "I knew it was too good to be true. Nothing ever works out right for me here." I paused and picked up my sword, which I had so trustingly brought with me and then threw it across the room in disgust. That wouldn't be much help against an entire forest of elves. 

I sighed again and leant against my windowsill. "There must be a way out of this." I said aloud. "Dammit! I will not be beaten!" 

I sat down on the bed. Then I smelt Thingaladion's scent on the sheets and got up hurriedly. "Ick." I commented. "I am soooo not marrying anyone who smells of whatever the heck that is. No matter what ring I'm wearing." I paused and started pacing.

"Come to think of it, Vebby didn't actually ask me to marry him. Hmmm." An idea occurred to me. "If Vebby didn't ask, then I didn't say yes, so really I don't need to marry anyone cos I haven't been asked yet. And of course it's not as if I'm going to say yes to Thingy now is it?!" I asked the empty room. "Then all I need to do is find Vebby and live happily ever after. I soooo rule when it comes to planning!"

Unfortunately of course even the best-laid plans sometimes have flaws.

Idiot.

*********************

Oooooh almost went angsty on me for a minute! Don't know what happened there! Enjoy and R&R please!


	13. A Little Less Conversation

New chapter and the weekend! Yay! Go me! Many thanks for the reviews! I love you all, honest. This isn't mine. Bummer.

A Little Less Conversation.

I woke up in the morning curled up on the sofa. I'd chosen not to sleep on the bed, as it smelt of Thingy. And quite frankly my waking world was enough of a nightmare – I didn't fancy disturbing my sleeping one with nightmares of him. I got up and took a quick bath. Today I was going to sort this mess out for once and all. After getting dressed in my own clothes I knocked on the door and heard the door unlocked by my elf guard.

"I wish to speak to the king." I informed him.

"Very well milady. This way if you please."

I nodded and we set off towards Thranduil's study.

***

"I have a problem." I stated as I walked into the room where Thranduil was meeting with his advisors.

Thranduil sighed. "Yes Fangirl?"

"Well you see…" I started.

"Only I am rather busy at the moment." Thranduil stated as he interrupted me. "Planning your wedding."

"Planning my wedding?" I asked startled, "Who the hell gave you the right to plan my wedding?" Thranduil raised an exasperated looking face at me. "Nevermind that anyway. I have something to tell you."

"Indeed?"

"I'm not engaged to the Prince of Mirkwood." I paused. "Vebby never asked me."

Thranduil looked stunned. He was obviously not expecting that. 

***

"But you have the ring!"

"Yes." I answered, rather bored by this point.

"The betrothal ring!" 

"Yes." I swung my leg back and fore trying to hide my impatience.

"The ring that is the family engagement ring!"

"Yes."

"Given only when betrothed!"

"Yes!"

"And you have it!"

"YES!" I cried sitting up in my chair, exasperated by his endless questions. "We've covered this point, rather extensively I might add, now can we finish with all this wedding nonsense and I can move on."

"Hmmm." Thranduil sank back in his chair. "I will need to discuss this with my advisors. Wait outside."

And with that I was escorted to a chair outside his study where I waited to find out what Thranduil had planned for me.

***

I waited most of the day, various elves rushed in and out of the study; whispering officiously and darting glances at me. Finally I was called back into the room.

"Bring the fangirl back in!"

I got up off my chair and strolled into the study.

"Ahh, Fangirl." Thranduil began. "I am sorry to keep you waiting." He finished without a hint of sincere feeling in his words.

"No problem." I answered; wondering where the hell this conversation was going.

"Thingaladion." Thranduil said turning his head slightly. I turned my head too, there standing in the shadows of the room stood Thingy.

"Marvellous." I muttered under my breath. "What the fuck's going on?"

***

"Youwanttomarryme?!" I blurted incredulously.

"Yes."

"YOUWANTTOMARRYME?!" My voice got higher.

"Yes." The response was slightly exasperated this time.

"YOUWANTTOMARRYME!!!!" I screamed hysterically.

"YES." This time it was forceful.

I took a deep breath. Hysteria would get me nowhere. "YOU." I pointed at him "WANT. TO. MARRY." I paused and then pointed at myself. "ME."

"Yes."

A million questions swirled around my brain. I chose the one that seemed most important. "Why?"

Thingaladion smiled. "I admired you from afar. The moment I lay eyes on you I knew I was lost. But you never saw me. Now I have this chance to ask for your hand…" He trailed off.

I looked at Thingaladion's face and said the only thing that I could.

"No."

***

Thranduil left us alone. He said we needed to 'sort this out'. Turns out that if you're wearing the ring I was wearing then you HAD to marry the heir to the throne. I'd argued that technically I was already married to Vebby (as I had once claimed for a laugh to wind up his then fiancée Sindy) then I'd be committing bigamy if I jumped into any other marriage. Unfortunately it seems that to marry a royal prince properly in Mirkwood you needed the King's consent. Which Vebby and I didn't have. Darn.

I looked at Thingy. "Tell me the truth. Why do you really want to marry me?"

He smirked. "I told you. I love you. Don't you believe me?"

"Honestly? No. The truth if you please."

And then it came out. Seems that Thingy only wanted to marry me to secure his place on the throne. With Thranduil's approval of the two of us there would be no chance of anyone coming back to upset the issue of the next King for example Vebby.

I glared at him. "Do you honestly believe that you can get me to marry you after you've said all that?" I asked.

"You will marry me. You have no choice."

"Don't bet on it." I huffed as I made my way to the door. He grabbed me by the arm and spun me to face him.

"You will marry me!" He hissed as he gripped my arm tighter.

I looked up at him, coldly. "I wouldn't bet on it if I was you." I paused and glanced down at where his hand was still gripping my arm. "And don't touch what you can't afford." I pulled my arm away and marched out of the room. 

***

"Time for some action." I commented to myself as I stood in my room. The plans for the wedding where gathering speed. The sooner I got out of here the better. I looked around the room to see if I could find anything to help me in my escape attempt. 

I saw nothing. I flounced down onto the bed. "Dammit!" I wailed. "Where the hell is Vebby and why can't he do the whole 'hero-rescuing-damsel-in-distress-thing' right about now? And bloody hell these sheets still stink! What kind of room service do you elves have anyway? What do you wash the sheets in?" I demanded to the empty room, my voice raised in my hysteria. "Essence of Thingy? It's disgusting! I'd rip them up and burn them!" 

Then the thought occurred. Rip up the sheets? How about rip up the sheets, tie the ends together and get out the window? Brilliant!

I smirked. I had a plan! I was getting out of Mirkwood and off to find Vebby! 

I grabbed my sword and started hacking and slashing the sheets, tearing them into long strips and tying the ends together. Finally my sheet rope was ready and I was climbing out the window, sword attached to my waist with a piece of leftover sheet. I was ready to take on Middle Earth again.

"Let them come." I declared silently to myself. "For I will be ready."

Ready for all that Middle earth could throw at me?

Idiot.

****************************************

Hmm. Jules asked to borrow Vebby's name as it's mine. It ain't I translated Orlando Bloom's name into elvish for it. Yep sad I know – but hey it seemed like a good idea at the time. Cheers individual who suggested it to me. There *phew* 'fessed up. R&R please! 


	14. Walking Away

Yeah yeah yeah – I know bad me, no chapters for a while. What can I say? No excuses that are worthy except that my job is even harder than I thought it would be and I'm drained when I get in. Saw Two Towers. Bad Peter! Killing off you know who and making Frodo go you know where. That wasn't in the books. And hello? What's with the whole love triangle thingy? That's wrong diddly wrong wrong, yknow. LOTR isn't mine – but if it was I wouldn't be happy. The rest of the film was good tho….

Walking Away.

Climbing out of the window was easy. Part of me wondered exactly why it was so easy, but the other part pointed out that as I was hanging onto a sheet quite a way from the ground I should ignore why I thought it was so easy and just finish climbing the damn thing. Finally I managed to get to the ground safely.

***

I decided my first task was to get out of the palace grounds. Easier said than done. Seemed that for every ten steps I took away from it, it would only take one step to get me back to the palace. Not a good thing when you're trying to escape. 

After several hours of attempts to reach the edge of the forest I realised I needed help. Fortunately for me help was on its way.

"Owen!" I shouted joyfully as I recognised the Gucci wearing orc heading my way.

"Fangirl." He observed disdainfully.

"Look Owen I need a favour…" I trailed off seeing the expression on his face. I paused and then began again. "You see I've got a little lost." I laughed nervously, "And was wondering if you could tell me the way to…"

"Mirkwood Palace is that way." He interrupted, pointing off into the distance.

"Err yeah," I said, frowning. "Well actually I was looking for umm the edge of the forest. Trying to learn my way…" I offered seeing him quirk a sceptical but beautifully sculpted eyebrow at me. "You know, the whole Princess thing," I said jovially, "Gotta know where everything is don't I?"

"Hmm." He paused for a moment. "Very well fangirl, I will show you the edge of the forest. It is this way."

Hah! I thought gleefully to myself. Not only do I find out where the edge of the forest is but I also get my own guide to show me! I'm well on my way now!

***

"The edge of Mirkwood forest." Owen announced as we reached the edge of the trees. "Now shall we?"

"Shall we what?" I queried as I gazed upon the open land outside the forest.

"Return to the palace of course." Owen stated, as thought he was talking to a particularly stupid person.

"Ahh yes, well you see about that…" I paused trying to think up a decent excuse. Then it hit me. Sindy! "You see the thing is, I'm getting married yes?"

"Yes." Owen said. 

"And well, the thing is, I need to get my dress and bridesmaids and stuff y'know?"

"Yes."

"So I'm going to see Sindy about it." I paused. "And Legolas too of course. I desperately need their advice." I saw the look of disbelief on his face and immediately did my 'helpless, giggly and stupid female voice' "I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR!"

"And you can't discuss this with the King or the Prince?" He asked still wearing his disbelieving expression.

"Oh please!" I snorted at the suggestion. "They're men. What do they know?" Owen looked offended at this so I hurriedly said, "Besides which the whole dress is SUPPOSED to be a secret and I can't ask for my father-in-law or my husband now can I?" I saw that he understood where I was coming from and inwardly rejoiced.

"Very well, I shall take you to see them. Although I get the feeling I'm going to regret this." He said as he looked me up and down and shook his head. "We need to go this way."

I grinned. Go me! I had found a willing creature to take me out of Mirkwood and off to find Vebby. Ok he didn't know about the Vebby hunt yet, but what the heck? I was out of the forest and into the open.

Or perhaps that should be out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Idiot.

************

Will write more when I get the time! R&R please! 


	15. We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Tolkien wrote The Hobbit at his desk, the inspiration for this chapter came when I was in the bath. Obviously something they put in the bath bubbles. It isn't mine and have a good Christmas – if you celebrate it of course!

We Wish You A Merry Christmas.

Off we set aiming to hunt down the elves. Owen for Sindy and Legolas, me for Vebby. We had walked a fair way away from Mirkwood when Owen came to an abrupt halt. 

"Something wrong?" I queried.

"No, no nothing wrong." He responded, but remained standing still. Then a gleam came into his eye. If I'd noticed I would have perhaps been more wary, but as it was I was miles away in my own little world consisting of Vebby and towels.

"I was wondering…" He began, then paused. "Oh never mind it was a silly thought really…"

"Wondering about what?" I asked.

"Oh no, nothing to bother your pretty little head about." He said smiling at me in a winning way.

"Oh go on tell me."

"No, it's nothing."

"Oh please?"

"No. Nothing remotely important my dear." He said. "Shall we continue?" He asked gesturing along the path we were following.

"Only if you tell me what you were thinking." I said stubbornly, folding my arms across my chest as I did so. "I can wait all night if I have to."

Owen turned back to me a moue of distaste on his face. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Tell me."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaase?" I whined.

"No. Now can we get a move on?"

"Nope. Not until you tell me." I said childishly.

Owen sighed. "Very well, all I was going to ask if you wanted to see your former comrades." I frowned. "I believe you refer to them as the 'Sues'."

I thought for a moment. My mind made itself up in seconds. 'Sues' are inevitably good at everything. And if I want to find a missing elf in Middle Earth who could be better than the best hunters/warriors/singers/cold-blooded killers? Exactly. 

"The 'Sues'?" I mused aloud as though pondering the thought. "It has been a while and would only be polite. Lead on Owen!"

If only I knew what I was letting myself in for.

***

We walked on and came to the Black Gates of Mordor quicker than I anticipated. Ten minutes walk. Obviously being a former resident Owen knew all the shortcuts I mused. If only the fellowship had been made up of orcs, Frodo's trip would have been a heck of a lot quicker. And easier to read. Then I noticed something. The Black Gates were still standing.

"Hey, I thought they destroyed those gates." I spoke my thoughts aloud.

"Oh they did." Came Owen's response. "But the 'Sues' decided to resurrect them."

"Why?" I queried. "There isn't anything really awful in there is there?" I joked.

"Oh no." He answered. "Nothing _really _awful."

As we walked through a hidden side entrance I noticed something rather unusual hanging above both the Black Gates and the secret side entrance. Nah, I figured. After all there isn't any mistletoe in Middle Earth is there?

***

"OH. MY. GOD."

"Indeed." 

"WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THAT? AND. WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. IT. DOING. HERE?!"

"Well, from what I understand it's traditional."

"TRADITIONAL?!?!?!" I screeched turning to Owen in disbelief. "SINCE WHEN DO MIDDLE EARTH HAVE…" I turned back to what I had been looking at, "CHRISTMAS TREES?!"

"They are from your planet you know." Owen commented imperturbably. "The 'Sues'. Like I said, it's traditional."

"Not in Middle Earth dammit!" I answered still glaring at the distinctly out of place enormous Christmas tree, which had lights flashing madly at me. "And why the hell is it all decorated in pink?" I demanded of no one in particular. "pink lights, pink decorations and pink tinsel. Where the hell do you get pink tinsel from anyway? Nevermind." I said seeing Owen was about to answer me. "I really don't want to know."

Owen snapped his mouth shut. Then I heard it. From a distance. Sang very badly. And then I really was scared.

"…Gllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrriiiiiiia, Hosanna in excelsis. Ding dong merrily on high…"

I swung back to Owen frantically. "They have Christmas carols here too?" 

"Oh yes." He responded calmly. "But if you listen a little more…"

"Listen to what?" I queried. Then I heard something else. Far, far worse than the carols although they were bad enough. Yep you've guessed it.

Christmas pop songs.

Mordor is a really scary place.

***

I was desperate within the hour. I really needed to leave asap. And it was getting worse. The songs were still playing. I'd already heard the theme from The Snowman, I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day, Merry Christmas Everyone, Last Christmas, Can You Stop The Cavalry? And Do They Know It's Christmas. Then somebody put on Cliff.

"… Christmas time, Mistletoe and Wine, Children singing Christian rhyme with logs on the fire and gifts…"

Well, I'm not scrooge by any means but now I couldn't cope. "WILL SOMEBODY TURN THAT BLOODY THING OFF?!" I yelled, turning exasperatedly to Owen.

I glared when I noticed what he was wearing on his head. "Where did you get those?" I demanded pointing to his earmuffs which obviously blocked out all the awful Christmas music.

His response stunned me.

"You got those from SANTA?"

***

"OH MY GOD." I said in awe. For there sitting in a red sleigh with bells and reindeer and a very full sack of presents was none other than the one and only Santa Claus.

I approached him as one would approach something they can't believe is real. I stood and stared. My mouth was gaping. Then he turned to me and spoke.

"Ahhh Fangirl!" He declared delightedly. "I have something for you."

"Y-y-you h-h-have s-s-something for me?" I squeaked incredulously.

"Indeed. Now where did I put it?" He asked himself as he delved deeply into his sack. He smiled as he pulled out two brightly wrapped packages. He held them out for me and I reached to take them. "A-a-aaah!" He chortled as he pulled them back out of my reach. "Have you been a good girl this year fangirl?"

"O-o-of course Santa." I stuttered. 

"Well here you go. Something to help you on your quest." He winked as he spoke. "Now I must be off to deliver all those Christmas presents in my sleigh."

I frowned as I gazed at my two parcels. "Santa." I said making sure that Owen couldn't overhear. "Not to be rude or anything – but what I really want for Christmas is Veborion. Preferably dressed in only a towel, or perhaps nothing, or even…" I trailed off and cleared my throat rather hurriedly when I saw the look Santa was giving me. "For perfectly innocent reasons of course." I stated.

"Of course." Santa answered pursing his lips together. "Well, I must be off. Donner, Blitzen get a move on!" He shouted to his reindeer. And then the reindeer, the sleigh, the sack full of presents and of course, Santa, took off. As you do.

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" He said as he disappeared over the top of one of the large Christmas trees that were frequently dotted around Mordor.

"Well, ok, no Vebby." I commented aloud. "But Santa did say that what I had would help me in my quest. So no problem. Probably a map. Or directions to find Vebby. Or perhaps an annulment or divorce so I can get Thingy to leave me the hell alone. Not that I'm married yet – but hey, I'm sure the divorce papers would come in handy just in case."

I sank down in the snow. Oh, didn't I mention that there was snow everywhere in Mordor? Just in time for Christmas. Bizarrely though the snow didn't leave you wet or cold. I had decided that the 'Sues' had genetically modified the snow to leave out all the unpleasant characteristics. I made myself comfortable on the snowy ground and started ripping off the paper of my presents.

"What?" I gazed at my present in stunned stupor. "Why the hell did Santa give me a piece of wood?" I asked, bewildered by my rather odd present. "Ahh well still the other one to go." I said aloud, consoling myself. Wondering what I got from Santa? Perhaps a map? Some chocolate? Vodka? Raunchy underwear to seduce Vebby with? 

Nope.

Santa Claus in his wisdom decided I hadn't been a good girl after all. 

All I got was a lump of coal.

Joy.

Go me.

Some Christmas present for my 'quest' my arse.

Dammit.

Idiot.

****************************************

A rather odd chapter this. Not planned. Spur of the moment. So R&R and let me know what you thought! And of course Happy Holidays!!!!!


	16. Roses In The Hospital

Most people go out for new year's eve. Me? I'm at home with my trusty pc. Well it was either this or line dancing. Which would you choose?! Many thanks to all my reviewers. Tina – yep work sucks and it looks like it's staying that way *sighs* Crazy Lunar Maiden – Veborion is indeed Orlando Bloom translated. Yes I'll just cringe to death having admitted how sad I am. And Starbrat – ho ho ho indeed – fortunately the real Santa brought me something other than coal! cheers for all the reviews but I wouldn't say no to more. Hint hint! It isn't mine, Santa forgot to put it in my stocking….

Roses In The Hospital

I had been in Mordor for a few days. Fortunately once the fiasco that was 'Christmas Middle Earth Style' was finally over and the trees with all their pink decorations had been taken down. I considered this to be a good thing. Owen was still with me, proudly showing off his new earmuffs to all and sundry. This proved to be something of a mistake as news travels fast around Mordor. 

"Owen Orcenbeast!" A high pitched voice shrieked. 

I swivelled my head around to see where the voice was coming from. The Sues that were currently surrounding and admiring Owen's earmuffs seemed to shrink back. 

I frowned. Was it my imagination or were the Sues retreating from Owen? 

"Owen Orcenbeast!" The voice cried again, this time sounding closer to us. I looked over to the Sues. They were definitely retreating back. I was puzzled. What exactly are Sues frightened of?

Then it or rather (as I later found out) she appeared. And I didn't blame the Sues for being worried. Which was just at the moment that Owen dived behind me and whispered "Save me fangirl!"

***

You remember when Saruman made the Uruk-Hai by crossing Goblins with Orcs? Frightening things in the cinema weren't they? When I say seeing one up close is a HECK of a lot scarier, I'm not exaggerating. Understating the case would be closer to the truth. And I now had one march right up to me and give me a glare that would have shattered platinum. Or, as this is Middle earth, mithril. Just my luck that the creature she wanted happened to be cowering behind me at that very moment.

"Owen Orcenbeast!" She shrieked for the third time, this time right in my ear. "You are a disgrace to the family name!"

I winced, semi-deafened by the creature in front of me. Then I realised what she had said and turned my head in Owen's direction. "'Family name?'"

Owen grimaced, then his expression changed to sheepish. Have you ever seen an orc trying to look sheepish? It's surprisingly effective. Then he said in a very small voice, "Hello, cousin Ursula."

***

Ursula the Uruk-Hai was still glaring at Owen the orc. Part of me pondered whether I had wandered into some really weird children's story with the alliterative first name/species thing going on. I wondered whether I was going to meet a Malcolm the man, or David the dwarf or even Ewan the elf. Then I remembered I was in the middle of what could very well be a nasty family argument and I decided to move.

It was rather unfortunate that Owen had such a tight grip on me when I tried to move away. Particularly as his grip made me lose my balance and I fell onto Ursula, knocking her over. We ended up in a tangled bunch rolling around on the ground. 

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh" I cried in pain as I rolled away. "Which one of you bit me?!" I examined my shoulder. "It broke the skin!" I declared. "I'M BLEEDING!" I shouted as I noticed the blood dribbling from the wound. 

"Hhmmm" Owen cleared his throat to get my attention. "Sorry," he murmured.

"Sorry?" I queried, glaring at Ursula who had obviously to my mind committed the crime.

"I'm afraid that was me." Owen calmly stated. He saw my look of disbelief. "Old habits die hard y'know."

***

I left Ursula and Owen arguing. Turned out Owen was a disgrace to the family name of Orcenbeast in that he hadn't followed in his family's plans for him. Nope, not the whole hunting and killing thing that orcs usually do, Ursula was unhappy because Owen hadn't joined the family business. The family business of interior decorating. 

I sat down on a rock a little way away from the two cousins. "No wonder he knew where to get pink tinsel." I observed aloud. I glanced around and noticed a lovely little rose bush near me. I don't know what possessed me to speak to it but I did.

"Hello there little rose bush." I said smiling at the beautiful plant.

"My name is Gina." Said a voice indignantly, "And I'm not little, for my breed I'm rather tall. And if you don't have anything sensible to say then I suggest you remain quiet."

I sighed. "Dear Valar, is there anyone on this planet I don't offend the moment I open my mouth?" I asked the sky. "My apologies Gina." I said as humbly as I could, "I didn't mean to offend you."

"Well, no real harm done." Gina the rose bush responded condescendingly "Just don't do it next time." 

I paused as the situation sank in. "Hang on hang on!" I said loudly. "I think I'm going insane. I need to clear a few points up here."

***

"So let me get this straight. You're rosebush. You talk and your name is Gina. Correct?" I said ten minutes later after going over the facts with Gina.

"Got it in one. And you are?"

"I'm the fangirl." I stated.

"Really?" 

"Yes. Glad we got that sorted." I paused, then figured what the heck? Asking Gina couldn't do any harm could it? After all I was desperate for news on Vebby from anyone and Owen wasn't really much help. "Now I wonder if you can help me, I'm looking for…"  
"Mirkwood is that way." Gina pointed one of her branches vaguely into the distance.

"I'm well aware of the location of Mirkwood." I ground out, teeth clenched trying vainly to keep my temper in check, "But I thought I should take err, the more scenic route."

"Ahhhhhh." Gina said as though she understood everything. "It won't be easy you know, searching for what you lost."

"Pardon?" I asked, my head beginning to pound.

Another voice interrupted our conversation. "Gina darling! Where are you dear? Fedarquinyagestarianwen is getting worried about her beautiful little rose bush and her beautiful little roses!"

I cringed. Just what I didn't need. A Sue with possibly one of the worst names I had heard for a while. And I had a headache. Could this get any worse?

"Hide me!" Gina hissed.

Apparently it could. Well what would you do? Could you leave a poor rose bush called Gina to the hands of a creature called Fedarquinyagestarianwen?

Neither could I. I scooped up Gina, roots and all and stuffed her into a bag that I had found conveniently lying on the ground moments earlier. The bag hadn't surprised me, this time in Middle Earth things appeared as and when I seemed to need them. Except Vebby of course.

So now I had an orc, a piece of wood, a lump of coal and a talking rosebush called Gina to help me find Vebby. 

Could I fail with a team like that? What could possibly go wrong?

I groaned. Even I knew I was doomed.

Idiot.

***********************

A difficult chapter to write. No idea why. Thanks to Helen for the ursula idea. Anyway R&R please people and of course happy new year!


	17. Movin On

Writing this whilst in work. Bad bad bad me. The fascists have taken away all the privileges. Do they really expect me to work? Hah! More fool them...

Anyway - usual spiel. This isn't mine. If is was I would be sunning myself on my own private island. Instead I'm stuck in an office doing work I wouldn't even give a slave. There should be a law against this stuff....

Movin On.

  
So we set off. Yet again. Me, a rose bush called Gina and an Orc named Owen. Vebby would be found come hell or high water. 

We'd only walked for about 5 minutes when we came to the edge of a forest. 

"This had better not be Mirkwood." I commented sourly. 

"No dear. Whatever gave you that idea? We are looking for your Veborion not going back there." Gina answered. 

"Shhhh!!!!!!" I hissed. Too late. Owen had overheard. "Errrrr...." 

"Now fangirl." He started. 

"Look it's not like what it sounds..." 

"Did you really think that..." 

"Honest I mean I just wanna find him, see if he's ok - then back to Mirkwood pronto!" I lied. If Owen discovered that I'd lied to him to get me out of Mirkwood I could end up in deep trouble. Those teeth were very sharp.

"Honestly!" He exclaimed. "I'm not really that dense you know. Everybody knows you came back for him." 

Really? "Really?" I asked, "Then why are they so eager to marry me off to Thingy then?" 

"I'm afraid I can't tell you." 

"WHAT?! They want to marry me off and you can't tell me? Why the hell not?!" I demanded. 

"Well..." He paused and looked a little embarrassed. "Because I don't really know." 

"Oh." Well that answered that then. 

*** 

"So where are we anyway?" I asked. 

"Lothlorien." Came Gina's answer. "The Golden Wood. I have a cousin here. Very snobby plant. Always thinks she's better than me." 

And on those words we entered the wood. 

*** 

"So what's this cousin of yours like then?" I asked as we passed through the trees. 

"Snobby." 

"And?" 

"Snobby." 

"Okay... Anything else?" 

"Snobby... And short." 

"Does she have a name?" 

"Rose." 

"Rose the rosebush?" I hazarded. 

"No Rose the Lily! Of course she's Rose the Rosebush!" Gina answered acidly, waving her branches around showing her agitation. "All rosebushes are called rose. Don't you know anything?"

"Obviously not." I answered. "And if that's the case why are you called Gina?" 

"Because I didn't like being called Rose. It's HER name!" 

My mind went blank. What do you say to that? "Fine. Whatever." 

*** 

I felt it first when we passed by a tiny stream. Like someone had stepped on my grave. I shivered. Then.... 

"Fangirl." 

A voice called. I whipped my head around. Nothing. 

"Fangirl of the fanfic world." 

I spun my head again. Still nothing. Then I remembered the film. 

"Fucking Galadriel. Stop messing with my head you silly blonde bint." I muttered 

"You bring great evil here..." She paused for effect. "Rosebearer." 

"Fine." I said aloud. "Rip off the book and make it into an inferior film if you must, but please don't let the canon speak the film dialogue!" 

The voice in my head shut up rather abruptly. 

"Good. Get out and stay out." 

And with those words I managed to wind up one of the most powerful elves in Middle Earth. 

Idiot. 

************

Hmm. A work chapter. Chapters are gonna go very slow at the moment. Am real stressed with work. R&R to encourage me!!!!!


	18. A Little Respect

Hooo boy did this take its time. Errr. Excuses??? Urmmmmm. Work, College and University? Sorry folks. Been very busy indeed. And right at this moment in time I should be doing coursework. Bad bad bad me.

A Little Respect

Of course, every once in a while people can really wind me up. What I discovered was that elves can wind me up even more. I was under the impression that Vebby was one of a kind when it came to glaring. That was before I met the oh sooooo delightful Galadriel.

Thought she looked like nice elf in the film did we? Well let me just say that's a reflection on Cate Blanchett not Galadriel. Galadriel, or Gladders as I had mentally termed her, did not live up to her name. And of course, when she realised I had mentally renamed her she was less than impressed. 

Plus the whole thing where I had upset Legolas' wedding was also playing on her mind. To say that she wasn't happy to see me would have been an understatement. 

She glared. I quailed. Gladders, is after all very powerful indeed. 

"Stop that!" She thundered. Even Celeborn jumped. 

"Errr...." 

"My name is Galadriel!" She declared icily. She turned away. "Remove them from my sight." She commanded. 

A blonde elf stepped forward, grabbed my arm and hauled me off. Well, I thought, that went well. 

*** 

It never occurred to me that Lothlorien possessed dungeons. Well it does. If, of course you can call a cell halfway up a giant tree a dungeon. Whatever. But there I sat, a rose named Gina and an orc named Owen as my only companions. I wanted to escape. This time, however, I couldn't burn down my prison.

"Dammit!" I shouted. "Let me out! I'm claustrophobic!" 

"It won't work you know." Owen stated wearily. 

"It might." I said stubbornly. 

"It didn't work the first 50 times. Yes, I have been counting." He said before I could interrupt. "So why should it now?"

"Well, I thought I might wear them down a bit." I answered lamely. 

"Look fangirl, the only place we're going is back to Mirkwood. You know it, I know and they definitely know it." 

I glared. Dammit I hate it when other people are right. 

Could things get any worse? 

Then the singing started. 

***

Now normally I don't mind a bit of a sing-song. But when you end up enduring a whole night of elves singing songs that all sound the same when you're trying to sleep on the floor of a dungeon your temper tends to get a little frayed.

Having shouted "Shut up!" for the last six hours I was now seething. What made it worse was Gladders laughing in my head. 

"Fine." I muttered aloud. "If I can't get them to shut up.... Well." I paused, an evil glint in my eye. "You know what they say, 'If you can't beat them. Join them'."

I racked my brain for what I needed. Five minutes later I knew I had it. I spoke one word. 

"Erasure." 

And began. 

"I tried to discover, 

  
A little something to make me sweeter, 

  
Oh baby refrain, 

  
from breaking my heart.

I'm so in love with you

I'll be forever blue

That you gimme no reason

You know you're making me work so hard

That you gimme no, that you gimme no that you gimme no

Soooooooooooul, I hear you calling

Oh baby pleeeeeeeeease!

Give a little respect…

Tooooo hooo hoooo hooo MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I sang at the top of my lungs. Several windows shattered. Part of me regretted it, but then something really surprised me.

***

And if I should falter" Began Owen,

"Would you open your arms out to me?" Queried Gina.

"We could make love not war." Owen continued.

"And mmm mm mmm mmmmmmm." Gina 'mm'd in a way that everyone does when they don't know the words.

"I'm sooo in loooove with yoooooooooooouuuu." I joined in.

"I'll be forever blue." Owen rejoined

"What religion or reason can drive a man to forsake his lover?" I asked.

"Don't you tell me no," Sang Owen,

"Don't you tell me no" Gina cut in.

"Don't you tell me no." I repeated.

"Don't you tell me no." We all sang.

"Soooooooooooul, I hear you calling… ohhh baby pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease," We chorused. "Give a little respect TOOOOOO HOOOO HOOOO HOOOO **MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**!"

To this day I have no idea where the synthetic 80's pop music came from. What I do know is that every single elf in Lothlorien is not into 80's synth pop. Well, they did choose Gladders as their leader – you can't expect them to have good taste now can you?

I think it was Toni Basil's 'Hey Mickey' that finally did them in. Owen, Gina and I grabbed our belongings and escaped as one elf had finally had enough and opened the door to our little prison. He told us to leave, as he couldn't take it any more. Ironically of course in my opinion, we had just got to the good stuff and I didn't really want to leave.

"Noooooooo! I wasn't to stay!!!!!" I yelped as Owen tried to prise my fingers off the doorframe to our little cell.

"Fangirl, we have to leave NOW!" Owen hissed as he pulled harder.

"But I don't wanna." I whined. "I LIKE this song!"

"Tough!" Owen said. "Gina! Do it!"

Gina stretched out one of her branches and poked me in the eye.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH!"

We left Lothlorien within minutes.

***

"So," I asked after rubbing my eye for the millionth time as we walked away from Lothlorien. "Where are we going now?"

"Rivendell." Owen answered. 

"Errrrr." I stopped. "Excuse me? Did you just say Rivendell?"

"Yes." Came the answer. "IS there a problem?"

"Ohhh. No problem." I said calmly. "After all it's not as if Elrond I going to turn me away now is it? I've ruined his daughter's wedding, called his mother-in-law names, deafened a large part of the elven population of Middle Earth… But I haven't done anything to him." I paused. "At least." I took a breath. "Not yet anyway."

Gina grinned. "We're doooooooooooomed!" She declared cheerily.

Oh how right she was.

Idiot.

****************************

There in the end – finally at least! *Grins* not sure how long this is going to take to finish – I'm going through a stargate phase at the mo sooooooooooo. R&R as usual in your masses please! 

And Erasure rule. But not as much as the Pet Shop Boys do – ok? 

  
 


	19. Bat Outta Hell

I'd love to confess that I have finished this – but I haven't. The reviews that I've had for this story is what has encouraged me to try and write more for it. So in no particular order many thanks to the following:-

WingedWolf, Juliette15, Starbrat, Elanial, Crunchy, the bystander, Tina, Alexandra Crowley.

Well, onwards and upwards folks…..

Bat Outta Hell.

Leaving Lothlorien was possibly the best thing I'd done since arriving in Middle Earth (barring of course joining forces with Owen and Gina). Finally out of the evil that was Gladders realm I sighed with relief.

"Finally!"  I declared as I sank down to the ground. "Thank the Valar! We're out of that hell hole!"

Gina sagely waved her branches in agreement, and even Owen looked relieved.

"Why do you look so pleased with getting out of there?" I queried gazing up at Owen.

"Elves." He muttered in response, dabbing his brow with a monogrammed handkerchief.

"Yeaaaaaah? And?"

"I have _issues_ with Elves." He declared.

"Issues?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow in his direction. "What issues?"

"Well," He answered. "Where to start? They're so, so…."

"Stuck up." Gina declared.

"Full of themselves." Owen added.

"Bow string-happy!" Gina said, "One time one of them ripped of one of my branches just to make another arrow!"

"Flouncy!"

"Long-haired!"

"Blonde! Well, in their thoughts at least!"

"Think they're superior to the rest of us!"

"And they aren't!"

"Nope!"

"We'll show them!"

"Yes we will!"

"Woooooooah!" I cried. "Enough already! Okay I can see you both have err... _issues_ with elves, but hey, lets not get too wound up over it… Ok?"

"Wound up? WOUND UP?!"

"Err yeah. You know – deep breath, calm down… All that?" I offered, a weak smile on my face.

"Is that what you think we are? Just getting wound up over nothing?" Owen asked.

"Well, no I didn't say that but… Well you gotta admit it does sound a little much you know and…" 

"If you can't respect our feelings in this matter then perhaps it is time for us to part." Gina sniffed.

"WHAT?!" I shouted, stunned at this sudden development. "NO! We're a team! You know – 3 musketeers –esque. We work together. C'mon guys! Lets get going!" I said leaping up from the ground and turning towards where I thought Rivendell was with false enthusiasm, hoping to instil some into my partners in crime.

"Guys?"

"Guys?" 

"Hello?"

Idiot.

********

Ohhhhhh its gone all angsty. Ish. I know its short but hey – I'm ill and should be in bed…  R&R to keep me encouraged! And Tina – please send me your email address so I can put you on my update list?! That goes for anyone else who's interested too. Cheers, serendu.


	20. Alone

Apologies for the delay. I have no excuse – except lack of time. In fact I'm writing this on the day I took off because I'm ill. It's not mine – it never has been. And it's not looking like anywhere near canon as written by the delightful Tolkien. I'd bow before the master – but I'd probably keel over in the attempt because of the evil illness I'm currently suffering from.

Alone.

So I was back to being on my own again.

"Humph!" I declared aloud. "As if I care. Do you think I _need _you lot to get ahead? Hah! There's only one of me now… So it'll be faster. So there!" I stomped off in a direction I thought would be a good idea to go. 

"Hmm." I mumbled aloud as I looked out across the plains. "I don't really want to push my luck in wandering over to speak to Elrond… I did mess up his only daughter's wedding after all… Who haven't I annoyed yet?" I paused and thought for a moment. "Nope. Can't think of anyone. But I'm not risking Elrond. Just don't think it would be a good idea." I gazed across the landscape in front of me. "In that case, I think I'll go this way."

***

It only took half an hour and I was at the borders of the Shire. Stunned that it had only took me half an hour, I made the mistake of stepping into the Shire without really thinking about it.

"Halt! Who goes there?" Demanded a voice, seemingly from nowhere.

I looked around. There was nothing to hide behind in the immediate vicinity. "Marvellous!" I muttered. "I've finally lost it. Now I'm hearing voices!"

Then I found myself on my knees and glaring at me was a very pissed off looking hobbit. 

"Hobbits can look pissed off!" I commented. "Who knew?"

The hobbit hit me with his miniscule pitchfork. "Silence!" He hissed, glaring venomously at me. 

"Awww. Did I upset the cwute likkle hobbit's feelings?" I queried, patting him on his head. "Don't worry likkle hobbit, I didn't mean to be… err… Mean."

The hobbit looked at me as thought he couldn't believe his ears. 

"Why are you counting aloud?" I asked. "Oooh, all the way to 10! You are very clever!" I declared.

The hobbit took a deep breath, and then started whacking me with his pitchfork.

***

"Note to self:" I declared in my little wooden hut with its barricaded windows. "Don't assume that just because a creature looks like it's a small child, that it IS a small child. Ouch."

The hobbit, or as I had taken to call him, Evil Hobbit No. 1, had carted me off (after beating me severely with his mini pitchfork – who knew they could inflict such damage?) and dumped me in what I could only gather to be was a holding cell for criminals.

"I am not a criminal!" I declared loudly through the barricaded windows. "I demand a fair trial to CLEAR MY NAME!!"

"You have indeed committed a crime!" Answered Evil Hobbit No. 1 "No Big People may enter the Shire!" He smirked. "That Law was written by the King!"

"Damn." I muttered as I turned away from the window. "I _knew _there was a reason why I didn't want Frodo – aside from the whole height problem. I'd never have got close enough to get him in the first place!"

***

I was dragged to some weird trial/tribunal effort. I was not best pleased about being dragged – but didn't get much choice in the matter. After being dropped into the dock my crimes were read out for the court.

"…insultin' an honourable hobbit, talkin' down to a hobbit, not acknowledgin' her crimes, bein' a Big Person.." Droned the Hobbit court clerk

"But that's Racist! I can't help be a Big Person any more than you can help being a Hobbit!" I cried.

"And just what's wrong with bein' a Hobbit?" Queried the clerk in the same monotone voice.

"Well I didn't mean there was something wrong with being a hobbit, but..."

"Insultin' Hobbits everywhere, claimin' there are things 'wrong' with Hobbits, not showin' proper respect for Hobbits…"

"Fuck." I said quite loudly to myself. "This is just another fine mess I've gotten myself into."

***

Having been thrown in what was the equivalent of a Hobbit gaol I sat down to have a damn good mope. After all, I was imprisoned for _'Life… And then some' _By none other than Evil Hobbit No. 1's father. Lucky me.

Unfortunately moping was quite out of the question – as the lovely cell I'd been given was open to the public – i.e. for a laugh they could watch the evil Big Person who had committed the heinous crime of being patronising. I kid you not.

"Step right this way Mr Mayor." Huffed my gaoler self-importantly. "'Ere is the _h'evil _prisoner!"

I glared at my first visitor. Then I looked harder. "Fuck me – you're Samwise Gamgee!" I exclaimed, stunned.

"Master Gamgee is our honourable Mayor!" Declared my gaoler appalled at my lack of finesse. "You must excuse the prisoner, Mr Mayor. No manners whatsoever. Big People y'see. " He poked me in the arm with an extra long bit of wood through the bars of my cell. "Show some respect!"

Samwise Gamgee frowned as he looked at me. Then recognition came. "But you're the fangirl!"

***

Much later Sam was doing his best to comfort me in my rotten cell.

"But I don't want Thingy!" I wailed, "I want Vebby!"

"There, there dear." Sam answered looking worried as he patted my hand reassuringly. "Going back to Mirkwood would sort out all your problems you know." He paused for a moment and then said, "Mirkwood is that way."

"If you say so." I said wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, leaving dirt trails across my face. "Do you really think that's best?" Then I paused "But I'm stuck here and…" I burst into more sobs.

Sam looked rather worried. "Now, now I'm sure we can work something out. Guard!"

***

"Hehe." I cackled. "Stupid hobbits. Give 'em a wailing woman and they all fall down." I smirked. My cunning plan to get free with the least amount of fuss hadn't taken long to take effect. I was out of gaol and on my way to the border. 

"I'll get my Vebby then get the heck outta this madness. Go me!"

Ahhh. To be optimistic for once. 

Idiot.

***********************

Bit longer this one. Not sure when the next one will be up. R&R in your droves! 

 __


	21. Flying Without Wings

Dear Lord - I just re-read all of this as I haven't looked at it in ages whilst in work. grins Its put me in the mood to write more. Right. Here we go then!

Not mine. No sue.

* * *

Flying Without Wings.

After crossing the border out of Scary Hobbit Land (as I mentally called the area) I headed off in a different direction. To be honest by this point I really didn't have a clue as to where I was going. All I knew was that I wanted to find Vebby. Which when you're in a land the size of Middle Earth looking for someone who's not where you expect them to be is easier said than done. Put it this way - Gimli didn't know what had happened to his cousin at Moria - and he knew where he was. My chances of finding Vebby? Not looking good.

Having said that, there were moments when things were going right for me. The bag to carry Gina, the sword that was conveniently lying just where I wanted it - so with luck it might not be quite as hard as I believed it could be.

I also realised something else - getting to Mirkwood was incredibly easy. Going anywhere else was not so hard, unless it was believed that I was doing something for Thingy. I sat down and pondered this thought. Although I had left Mirkwood with Owen to find Vebby, I had done so by lying to him. Hmm.

I nodded to myself. "So they think they can outwit me? Hah! I'm sneakier than a sneaky thing who's being extra sneaky!" I whispered defiantly. "They can bring it!"

Getting up and dusting myself off I stood for a moment and then announced to Middle Earth, "You know, I think it's time to accept the inevitable. Vebby is merely a fantasy figure for me. He's not a real man like Thingy is." I almost gagged as I said that, but regained my self control quickly. "So, what I propose is - I find Vebby and tell him that anything that is between us is over and I'm moving on. Moving on to Thingy." I glanced around to see if there was anything paying attention to my words.

Not even the wind moved. Darn.

"I don't want Thingy to feel that there are feelings between myself and Vebby. I need to get this cleared up so he doesn't feel like he's come in second." I paused for a moment. If it were up to me Thingy wouldn't even be in the same stadium, let alone the same race as Vebby. "So, I'm just going to find Vebby and get this sorted. Then I'll return to Mirkwood and we can all live happily ever after."

And with that I set off in a new direction, comforted by the idea that I had finally deceived the scum who had messed up my quest to hunt down Vebby from the beginning.

My journey on foot continued. Quite frankly I'm not built for walking. I'll do it - if I have to. And much to my disgust, in Middle Earth I had to. I pondered this as I stumbled over yet another piece of uneven ground. Well they had provided me with a sword so....

"Yowch! My foot! Ooooooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! My ankle! Oh I can't move for the pain!" I cried, collapsing in a move worthy of any world class football player. "Oh, my poor ankle! Oh it must be broken! Oh I'll never get to Veb....Thingy!" I declared. "Oh he'll pine to death worrying over his ladylove!"

I continued in this vein for sometime. Then I noticed it was getting dark! How dare they ignore my plight I fumed.

Then I noticed the darkness seemed to be closing in on me.

Wait a minute - it was mid day a few minutes ago!

I looked up.

Oh.......

My...........

God..............

There are moments in your life when you feel quite simply petrified.

This moment was mine.

"Oh... My" I managed.

A snort greeted my response.

I hastily jumped out of the way of the flames the snort had produced.

"You... You...." I stuttered. "You... But you're SMAUG!"

"Call me Mabeline." The gigantic dragon replied.

"Hehe." I chortled nervously. "Okaaaay, Mabeline."

The was no response from the dragon, other than the sound of of them taking a very deep breath.

"Here be dragons indeed."

Smaug, sorry, Mabeline raised an eyebrow imperiously in my direction.

Note to self. Never fan the flames of a dragon's breath by making stupid and inane comments.

Idiot.

* * *

Filler chapter. Apologies. Have every intention of getting this finished - am beginning to believe it's the w.i.p that never ends! Please review.


End file.
